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Goodbyes

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As an introvert I never really understood what it meant by goodbye. I could see people cry,feel sad when their loved ones were going to be far away from them ,till it happened to me. Once you are surrounded by so much love and happiness leaving that behind is painful, it hurts, you feel like something is being ripped from you. All the crying and emotions displayed when a goodbye is being said, are the most sincere moments that one would always cherish while they are away. A goodbye is like an empowerment, an encourager, a reason to keep you moving forward in life, its a motivation. Goodbyes are good, always good.

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Purple Glasses

Well, one thing that has changed for me this year is probably being prescribed for glasses. The history of how I got to wear glasses is not necessary but all I can say I went to four opticians and opthamologist to be really sure that I had to start wearing glasses. It was scary for me because I have a sister and a mum who wear glasses and the way they maintain them was really something. Again when it comes to any kind of accessories I’m not good at mantaining them and I’m so clumsy.

The first day I got them I looked at them n I felt like crying. I did not wear them for a week and I kept saying my eyes will be okay in a short while, maybe its the cold weather that was affecting them but I was wrong. I had to accept the fact and accept them as a part of me.

Now no one told me or prepared me for the disadvantages of wearing glasses. The advantages are quiet simple, I get to look good I get to see clearly and light intensity is well regulated. Disadvantages are so many. One disadvatge is when i’m changing or dressing I have to constantly remove and wear them to see how a particular outfit looks like when i’m in them. I don’t like that. Before it was so easy, I could wear anything and everything and go to wherever I wanted to go.

Cooking. I love cooking. The problem comes when I have to open a boiling pan and my face is right above it. The steam that comes out of there makes me.blind, all the time. So I have to approach the cooking pan at an angle Preferably at an angle that is more than 90┬░(obtuse angle for the smart ones.). This also applies to drinking hot beverages.

(Photo courtesy of pintrest)

Bathing. I have showered with my glasses on four times to be precise and this only happens when i’m late and when I do it subconsiously. I still haven’t adjusted to using them and wearing them. So I came up with this thing where I don’t wear glasses until I take a bath or when i’m on the verge of leaving to go somewhere.

One thing I dislike is a hot dusty windy day. I usually end up going blind coz of the dust that will settle on the glasses. Another thing that sucks is now trying to get them of the lenses without leaving scratches on them. On a hot sunny day, which is usually everyday at the coast if iI walk out on the sun without glasses my eyes usually turn red because of the reflective light. I sweat alot and when i’m in them I have to remove them, wipe the sweat of my eye region and also off the glasses. I can do that so many times a day and i’m still not used to it. I dont use face make up and I don’t think i will try using them any time soon which makes it easier to clean my glasses and face when I sweat without looking like a clown.

How will I call this group of people. There is this bunch of people who are always trying your glasses to see how they look without putting in mind that we have different head shapes. I think I should leave this at this i may end up oversharing and hurting peoples feelings.

Waking up in the moening and u have to fingerlook foe.your glasses two things will happen, they will wither fall, u will sit on them.or smudge them. I dont like smudges on lenses. Its like an obstacle that you try to dodge to see. I don’t like those things at all. I’m a perfectionist even when it comes to small things like cleaning my lenses with no smudges on them. Come to think of it who wears glasses with smudges on them?

I know with time I will get used to wearing them amd manage to handle these challanges. People who wear glasses from cjildhood. I respect you guys.

…2018

Well, 2018 came and its about to come to an end. This year has been an amazing year for me. I’ve experienced alot of changes and iy believed I handled them to my level best. I’ve had good times with family,my real ones and a couple of few people i’ve met this year and vice versa. I bought a notebook in january and its already full of writings and projects that i’m trying to bring to life.

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When this year started I had no clue on how it would turn out and I had no “resolutions” to live by or rules to follow like the years before. Im a perfectionist and introverted, having such traits in one is.really tricky, it limits you and at the same time it challanges you to be a better person.

On the first of january 2018, my bestfriend and I decided to start a youtube channel, JazzBerl.

I loved that idea mainly because i was doing it with my bestfriend and sister for 11 years.

After eating RAW ONIONS (this I where my dislike for RAW ONIONS started) we realized youtube and editing videos to perfection is not EASY!!! It is the most challanging tiresome fun and interesting process.

As the year progressed, we posted a couple of videos and life caught up with us till today.

On blogging on wordpress I can say I have really posted some eye opening,mind blowing and intresting posts. I love each and everything I post and i read them.alot when ivm.out of books and blogs to read. On wordpress i’ve been an addict to this app. People are so smart and really creative with words and it inspired me.to.be a better person; my perfectionist self agrees to this.

On social media,last year I was so addicted to instagram and pintrest. I could spend more than 5hrs on those apps every single day rather than doing something creative or productive to the society. Now tables turned this year..instagram and pintrest have been my least favourite apps for 6 months now. I wish i saw this coming..hehe.

Family.My family is my life. I would ride and die for my family.

This year I have spent some really good time with them compared to the other years.

The celebrations we’ve had are always worth it and unforgatable. I have a really funny and sarcastic family, the trust,love,honesty and shade that can be thrown your way..hahaha is what makes us a family.

Basketball.

I play basketball and love playing basketball,its a really thrilling,competitive sport especially when i’m with my teammates, STALLIONS. I have really competitive teammates. Everyone has a winning mentality and u will see and feel It during a game.

I have had so much fun with these guys on and off the court. The number of trips we’ve gone to, from Maseno to Voi ,Kwale and Mombasa and all the games we won and lost, the team bondings,the people we’ve interracted with, makes us a family. 2018 saw us win so many games to be honest.

Cheers to stallions.

My real ones.I call my bestfriends my real ones mainly because they keep it real with me. Most of them are the most honest people you will ever met. I have had wonderful times with each one of them and I dont regret any of them. Some memories are really crazy and funny while.others are just unexplainable some are sad and others are happy. Every bad decision that we have made as real ones cheers to them,hahaha. We have all grown and i’m glad I have them as my support system. I love my real ones because no matter how hard life decides to be on us we always find that time to.met, have good times and create memories.

CHEERS TO Y’ALL, nothing but REAL LOVE­čĺŁ.

Bloo.I have a lot to say about Bloo but Bloo does Bloo and lets Berline be Berline.

This year has made us super close unlike the years before and we actually met and I didn’t scream “he is real” like when we bumped into each other sometime back.I’m glad I have you this close in my life and you being part of my memories for 2018.­čĺÖ

School.

Woooow..school where do I even begin. I love my course and at times I feel its a calling from God. This year I was scared because I was going for internship. The thought of how I was going to interract and meet with different people from different walks of life and I have to talk and have conversations with them made me feel like adulting is welcoming me with a bang and there is no slowing down. What made it even worse is that I did my attachmnet at one of the most controversial maternal hospitals in this country. Before reporting for my first day, we went to church and all I asked God is to destroy every form of controversy that the enemy had planned for the next 12 weeks while i was going to be there. I believe my prayers were answered and I had a really wonderful time there.

I met mothers from all over the country, attended seminars that I learnt a lot about nutrition to mothers and children in sub-Saharan Africa, met wonderful supervisors and my fellow interns were so good and so quick to learn.

By the time I was leaving that institution, I was able to interract with people and have conversations without struggling like before. And that is all I can say about school,haha.

Books. I have read so many books this year..I started an idea where I read at least four books every month and so far so good.

I read books from self inspiration(The subtle art of not giving a f*ck by Mark Manson,twenty two letters to a Young woman searching for meaning by Allison Trowbridge),biographies(my fav would be last black unicorn Tiffany Haddish, I’m Fine and other lies by Whitney Cumming and Perfect is Boring by Tyra Banks),crime thriller(favourite will have to be the Godfather by Mario Puzo) and law related book(fav be Careful What You Wish for, The Sins of a Father,Cometh the Hour by Jeffrey Archer).

Modelling. Modelling is my dream. This year I havent done so much of runways and events mainly because I have no agent and i dont trust agencies that are coming up, second time and locations havent allowed me to go.for shoots and auditions and finally luck of enougj finances. I’m a perfectionist and with my financial.costarains i cant do what I really want to do in modelling. Despite all that, I have been able to take a couple of photos for my portfollio with one amazing photographer; Tommie Ominde. I will say he is super talented when it comes to photography.

Ooh and on this particular shoot I was with one of my real ones..which was awesome and memorable i’ll say.

Personally I have grown, learnt,failed,won and lived to my fullest this year. I have made one new friend this year and i’m still getting to know her but she already is cool(Wairimu you are AMAAAZIIING MAMII). She is one really focused,consistent and amazing lady.

Photo courtesy of @wairimu_wangechi instagram.

I have lost touch with so many people this year, most of those whohurt me are apologizing for their wrongs and i’m grateful for that. I have really lived,lost,laughed,loved and had so much fun.

It has been a year of change and growth.

ooh before I forget, i started wearing glasses and they are quite an accessory. More details will be on the next blog, it is a struggle and a blessing to be a lady who wears glasses.

In All Honesty

In all honesty I’m an Introvert but out there I’m called weird.

In all honesty I hate crowded places especially parties and clubs but out there I’m called boring.

In all honesty I love reading, I read a lot but out there I’m called bookworm.

In all honesty I don’t show affection easily be it friendly or romantic but out there I’m called proud.

In all honesty I love comedy, any form of  comedy. Comedy relaxes me n makes me happy but out here I’m called the fun one.

In all honesty I have the virtue of honesty and how bad it hurts I will share it but out here they call me “she’s so real type of person”.

In all honesty I will always be me despite being branded so many names from my first impression. I can’t change that and neither will I change you,so don’t change me.


KILLER THOUGHTS.

#depressionawareness

Hello people, I hope you have all been fairing on well. Its been long since I shared my thoughts on certain issues as an introvert.

Well today am going to share with you all about depression. I find this topic something I should talk about because it’s so deep to me in ways I can’t explain. Either way here is what I think about depression.

When someone says depression people think its something that just happens and their will either kill themselves or get over it. Depression is not something that will be gotten over easily. One day you are happily living your life and going about it with all the zeal and anticipation to be among the best,then all over sudden you find yourself in situations that keep putting you down and as much as you try to get up, you go back down. No matter how strong you are, it gets you down. 

It is a form of being straggled  with your own thoughts and emotions and no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you get back to the same dark hole. Thoughts and emotions is the only place you find peace and comfort. Amongst a crowd of people you will still be deep into your thoughts because not everyone will feel and understand what it is you are going through and get the specific help and concern you need. It’s like being strangled with your own thoughts and emotions.

I have never understood why when you are going some emotional and mental turmoil, the situations and people that put you in that situation keep revolving around your life. I have no idea why that happens. And they are the ones who you constantly think about most of the times. I guess this saying is true:

 In situations like this, you tend to ask why do they treat me like this, why am I always on the self doubting side of life, why me, why don’t they see I need some affection, do they think am a robot with no feelings, do they realize am human? You will ask yourself So many self doubting questions about why you are in that particular situation. 

Depression does not choose who to attack. It will befall the strong, the weak, the confused,those who have made it in whatever field they choose to pursue even those who know what they want in life. It does not select. Anyone is vulnerable.

Someone who is going through such a moment, will ALWAYS have suicidal thoughts. ALWAYS!! NO MATTER IF IT HAS STARTED THAT PARTICULAR DAY OR YEARS!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS THERE. That’s why most people end up committing suicide or overdosing.

At such a point, they have asked for help by singing about it, acting about it, writing about it or even through comedy. But when no one realizes what is happening or comes to their rescue and really ask, why that song? Why that character? Why that joke? Then trust you me they tried and once it fails, then the thoughts come into reality.

All in all,dear introverts, in particular, if you find that you think too much out of the ordinary and about a particular situation that you went through and can’t get over it. Speak it out in ways that you find suitable for you to express it. Write,sing,draw,act,joke about it if it’s hard to find a confidant to talk to. Ask those who you love what they think has changed about you, read a lot,listen to music. I say music speaks in volumes to those who can’t express what they feel and offers comfort to those who need it. Put that favourite song on repeat till you find yourself. Don’t get lost in thoughts that will be the end of your amazing self.

With Love,

Photos courtesy of Pinterest

My name’s photo is self made

ONE OF A KIND

She was one strong person I have always known,

She could be pushed down, but she got back up again, stronger than ever before.

She could be dictated over but she took it all in, and prayed for those who did that to her.

She could be hurt by people she loved and trusted, but her forgiving heart made her accept and appreciate them in her life.

She was always on the end of hurt.

She was hurt a number of times, no matter how many times she said to herself things will be okay.

She was always smilling, jovial, going about her life, making things better for herself,no matter how many times she was brought down.

She could smile at people who, when she starts to tell you how nasty they were to her, you would think she was insane.

Everyday was a brand new day, a day for her to make better decisions, to be nice and caring to people she met along the way.

She never had a heavy heart, she loved all, cared for all as best as she could. It was how she was.

She could listen and give a shoulder to cry and lean on even when she never felt like she didn’t want to.

She could sacrifice her plans and time to spend with those who needed it the most and you would never know about it.

She was one of a kind.

BUT………..

She had her own demons.

She had her own struggles.

She had no one to listen to her.

She had no one to wipe her tears.

She had no one to wish her a good day every morning and good night every night.

She had no one to ask how was your day like.

She had no one to make plans with.

She had no one to thank for being there for her.

She was ALWAYS HER OWN WORLD.

BUT SHE .. .

LOVED with all she had when LOVE came by.

LISTENED when someone needed to talk to her.

PLANNED when she had that chance to.

LAUGHED as hard as she could when a JOKE was said.

RESPONDED as honestly as she could when asked how her day WAS.

APPRECIATED when she was given the little PRICELESS things in life.

IT WAS WHO SHE WAS…

Because she knew how the little good things of life came by. 

How priceless those moments were.

How such times will never come by.

SO WHEN SHE’S HURT,

     WHEN SHE CRIES EVERY NIGHT THINKING ABOUT WHAT SHE DID FOR YOU TO PUT HER THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN,WHEN IT BECOMES UNBEARABLE,

       WHEN SHE GOES QUIET ON YOU BECAUSE YOU HURT AFTER SHE GAVE YOU THAT LAST CHANCE 

       WHEN SHE STOPS LAUGHING AT YOUR JOKES BECAUSE YOU THINK SHE LAUGHS BECAUSE SHE HAS NO OPTION.

WHEN SHE’S HURT,

SHE WILL LEAVE,SHE’LL LEAVE AND NEVER LOOKS BACK.

NEVER LOOK BACK BECAUSE IT WAS WORTH IT AT THAT TIME,UNTIL YOU TOOK HER HONEST NATURE FOR GRANTED.

But remember,

SHE WAS ONE OF A KIND.



Intoxicated me

Its been long since I posted an article or even wrote something on this blog. So here I am and I did find out some discoveries in the past few months. 

1.Being alone is the best feeling ever and I’m saying this because I find it really refrrshing and amazing. Being alone in the sense of just drifting away from the world and being on your own. Trying to find your self and being grateful of how far you’ve come and those who stood by you in the hard times and good times. I used to have this phobia of not being alone because I felt I would fall into depression but I DIDN’T I became STRONGER AND A BETTER VERSION OF ME.


2. It is important to find and keep yourself amidst the confusion of the world. We have all gone through this experience whereby we are told this will not work for you, this dress doesnt suit your body type, you need to add weight and some words that just make you question who you are. I learnt to have that “I dont care what you say about me because I cant be your imaginations and ideas of me”. This is the most amazing feeling ever. I learnt to listen to opinions and ideas of those who inspire me to be better and grow in every aspects of my life. I also get to know what am doing wrong and correct on it. 


3. Growing up will eventually catch up with  you at the right time. Dont force it to come. I was this kind of person who would be so scared of dissapointing a certain clique of people that I dont even talk or even get to know how they are doing  today. I was so scared to be imperfect in their eyes and it could break me alot. Each time I never got a good feedback it could break me alot. I dont know what happened but then I just stopped giving a damn about what they thought, I loved my imperfections, became so real with myself and it is going great. I dont stress about so and so not talking to me or even calling me as long as I have myself to love and take care of then I have no worries. I call that growing up.


3. You spend your time with those that matter alot . I got to a point in my life that I looked at my life and the kind of people I hanged around and most of them did not impact my life in any way ,honestly. I am not a proud person but then there are things I always feel like I have to achieve and most of the time i end up making decisions that make most of my friends mad. Some of them even took the liberty to literally tell me I need to see a mental doctor and some even stopped associating with me. I found that as a wake up call because it will get to a point thay they will abandon me at the time of need and I may end up having suicidal thought or even end up being depressed. If they didnt appreciate my decisions then how will I grow? I usually dont cut people off but if someone wants to go then GO I WON’T STOP YOU. My family and my few real friends are those that matter to me. 

4. I was able to differenciate between being used and someone being true to you. I have this one friend who I fail to understand how we got to be friends. He is so true and real with me and tells me when I look like a scarecrow, when I’m radiating negative energy to the people around me, when I excel in what I do and when i’m on the path of failure and I love thay because its being real, true and honest with me. For me someone who uses me is one who doesnt tell me facts as they are but tells you lies and sugarcoats it by telling you the sweetest things even when its not true,thats being fake and so unreal.

5. Nothing is really comforting like your own peace and happiness and lets not forget self love. Self love,peace,happiness is the most comforting amazing feeling I have ever known. Its like an addiction I don’t want to ever let go. This usually makes me feel like I should never leave my place. I find this three virtues the most fulfilling and comforting things in my life right now. 


Just get to be your true self and don’t listen to those that dont get to know who you are. Appreciate judgemental people but never judge them.back.We all have our demons that we fight making us who we are.

The confidant.

This post I bet will be one of my outstanding posts. First of all I had an idea of posting something for about two days but then the problem was I don’t know how to put it down.(The faceless man thank you so much). For the past few days I was trying to figure myself out and I realised something that is not a common trait amongst normal people.

 I have this trait where I see the bad in most people and I appreciate them and I really do trust them and no matter how bad they are I will always care and appreciate them.

 Then it got me asking myself, is it wrong,bad,good,madness or just a blessing to be the way I am? Then I realised that is a rhetoric question reason being I am a very anti-social person. The problem now comes when this thought was meant to have died after that but it did not. So yesternight I found this link on youtube and it was about character traits of the INFJ (Introversion iNtusive Feeler Judger) and I found that its something that we are..we are the ones who see the good in the wrong places and we love and care for such. Its amazing right? but then sounds scary right? my past experiences with making friends it has been one of a journey that I WILL NEVER EVER EMBARK ON AGAIN! Its really hard to make friends but then there is always this one person who you will really find a connection with, get comfortable with and tell all kind of crap because they are trustworthy. For me loosing friends is always never a big deal it becames a big deal when I lose my confidant. Its one of the worst pain ever. It feels like you’ve lost …. I can’t even find words to describe it. At such times I always feel being an introvert is one of the most hardest thing ever. Most of the times my confidant is usually this person that everyone will tell you they have a bad character or they will break you or just stay away from them. its really hard to stay away because there is always this  good in them but when they choose to stay away it becames a regret. A regret because you could have listened, I could have stayed away. 

It will hurt, you won’t change you, you will regret it, you will feel like why is my world over, how will you start over, many thoughts will cross your mind but one thing that you will always find and appreciate are the memories, both good and bad. The sad times, happy times and times when you all were moodless but found a way to make them memorable. It will be one of the most lowest moments of your life but then you appreciate and keep moving on. Those days will always be one of the memorable ones. Those will be treasured dearly. Always.

 I believe there is always a way out, there is always light at the end of a dark moment. Things will fall into place and you will look back and feel like it was worth the memories and its worth the pain and feel proud of yourself for being strong and taking life as it comes.